Early Australian Observations

And now for a break from my sarcastic cynicism. Well, real cynicism, but you get the idea. So far I've noticed a few things about this country that I didn't know coming in. This alone should be astounding - not my keen sense of observation, but that there were some things unbeknownst to me. Anyway, the toilets...they're all this new damn breed of "smart" flushers, with a button for a half flush (they're in a water conservation state) and one for a full flush. I think you can guess what the differences are for. That's right, one button to flush endangered ostrich eggs, and the latter to dispose of children's pet kangaroos. So I haven't yet gotten to see a "backwards" flush, which is downright frustrating. Also, light switches-- they flip DOWN to turn the light on, or the outlet, or the toaster, or whatever. Crazy southern hemisphere. I can only assume this means they use the opposite of a sinusoidal alternating current. Perhaps co-sinusoidal (anyone with any science here knows I'm joking). Or tangential, who knows. they could use DC and I wouldn't be surprised. Oh, and people do actually wear hats like the one paul hogan wore in crocodile dundee. Not many people, but you do see it. Let's call them top hats, even though they're not exactly, for the time being. More on this later.

The driving on the left side of the road is odd, but going left around rotaries is downright terrifying! I can't bear to look if I'm riding with my glorious hosts Penny and Warren and a "round-about" is coming up - it's quite counter-intuitive (but counter-counter-clockwise) - who goes left around a rotary?! Here's the weird thing though. Everything's opposite, right?, the driving, you walk on the right side, etc, yet the person on the right still has the right of way! How does this make sense? you're turning left, into a rotary going left, yet the person (on the left) who would be in the roundabout for a shorter time, must wait for the person on the right to enter and go by before entering. Weasly little way to borrow from America if you ask me. Except for the small fact that we do things logically (for instance, a hospital charging the same person to a different account number for each of his therapy sessions - this ought to be an SAT or LSAT logic question it's so unexplicably obvious).

So the other backwards travel thing, and affecting me even more than cars, is walking. You know if you're walking towards someone coming in the opposite direction, and you're going to pass them, you angle slightly right so they pass by you off your left shoulder (and the same is true for you walking past them). Not here, apparantly. You have no idea how many times i've nearly collided with people, or just flat out elbowed old ladies in the face trying to slide right-wards. I'm learning though, now I make a bee-line for the westernmost spot on the sidewalk so as to give people a wide berth.

There are also a lot of what are entitled "hotels" but they're mostly just bars with a few rooms upstairs, or places to grab a bite and watch the game (er, match). Curious. And the money is different sizes AND colors for different denominations. for instance, 50 is yellow, 20 is red, 10 is blue, etc. (no dollar bills, just 1 and 2 dollar coins). Can you see where I'm going with this? Colored money, hotels everywhere, a top-hat? All that's missing is the guy with the monacle. Monopoly was introduced by Charles Darrow in 1935. They say the commonwealth of australia signed its Constitution on July 9, 1901. I don't buy it. Plus, a girl named Lizzie Magie patented "the Landlord Game" in 1904, a sort of ancestor to monopoly (wikipedia facts). Close enough. I'm just assuming the constitution date, or "Australia Day" really happened somewhere between 4 and 35 years after it was claimed. Once again, an American stalewart has a hand in the design of Australia. I couldn't find out when Aussie started with the colored money, but I'm willing to bet they just stole the idea from Parker Brothers.

Let's see, what else? oh, lots of jewish people in the neighborhood of south melbourne in which i'm currently residing. no, not the kind of jewish people who retire and move south from new york to melbourne, florida to eat chinese food weekly (though there are tons of chinese and vietnamese and thai restaurants); these are real orthodox russian jews who settled here and shave their heads so as to wear wigs (women), and ask penny to turn off the light switches on friday night in the temple (located, warehouse fashion, above let's say a bagel shop), because they aren't allowed to do any 'work' after nightfall through the sabbath. No, this still does not excuse solomon for closing me-latte for like a month around passover. People need their coffee more than other people need their faith/traditions. And tons and tons of asian people. Like the jews, I have no problem with this but it's slightly odd when you see the same kinds of kids who only speak korean or what have you around hopkins(and refuse to speak english, even though they go to an american school.. whatever), yet when they open their mouth, they sound like neil or craig. I can't tell you how weird this is. It cannot be explained, you don't know what it's like until you actually hear it, trust me.

And the sun - really hot, really bright, and really high for a long time. It was 4:00 pm today and i thought it was 1:30 at the latest. i'm in the process of burning, and thus developing skin cancer. Hurry up, Dwang.

And finally, has anyone ever seen some of Richard Pryor's stand up? He talks about going to africa, the motha'land (for black people, and as some archaeologists theorize, all people). He says that everywhere you look, theres an equivalent, perfectly matching person to someone you know. His example was Joe Frazier (though without a triumphant Ali standing nearby, arms raised as in the Thrilla in Manila - correction, Ali fainted after winning, they both basically killed each other, but I digress). And in Richard Pryor's Africa, African Frazier was a wino. Anyway, here, same thing. I've seen Kim (KB). I've seen Hugh Jackman at least twice. I've even seen that asian kid that's always calling bullshit fouls when playing basketball (only he had a deep australian voice here, of course). All very strange. Of course I haven't seen anyone come remotely close to being as good looking or as much of a specimen as myself. And we're talking an entire continent. No real surprise, I suppose, that one's flummoxed scientists for years- they may never find a suitable equivalent.

Congrats to Vince and Jen, apparantly Cameron Christopher was born today - more kids with multiple first names (their last name is a first name, too) - not to be trusted.

Peace