Daylight Savings

In order to save the daylight (see below for why this is a much better cause than saving whales), the land of plunging necklines has chosen to mimic the United (though not in timekeeping) States of America, probably to ease the transition from sleep to wakefulness early in the morning to be able to watch live march madness games. Of course if a game proceeds beyond the time when you have to go to work, and the team you root against is up by 10 with 8 minutes to go and G-town bricking layups, it shouldn't matter, right? Naturally, I arrived at work today to find that I missed a come from behind overtime victory by Patrick Ewing's hoyas. Of course I did. What did I do to ease the pain? I began drinking [coffee], heavily. Since we only have a freedom press for coffee here, I think I overloaded a bit, and now have more caffeine coursing through my veins than methadone in the veins of Daniel, umm, Nicole Smith. Whoops (not to the tasteless comparison, but for the fact that I am now supremely uncomfortable, and have been walking with a purpose not seen since Alexander besieged Macedonia's neighbors atop Bucephalus). Care to guess what the subsequent result of this glorious amphetiminical influx will be? That's right, I will be participating in my favorite work related pasttime, printing out sports articles to peruse while confined to my sanctum (the far stall of the 8th floor bathroom).

Now, on to a more pressing issue: global consumption of resources. It is no secret special intrest groups such as greenpeace and the sierra club (not the one that sits around drinking sierra mist), favor a reduction in forest destruction and over-fishing our seas by humans. Well you know what? I agree with most of it, except for the human part. Do you know how much deforestation occurs at the hands (well, padded feet) of elephants? They trample underbrush, and strip trees bare, often uprooting them in their zealous pursuit of plant matter. Not only do they ingest three to six hundred pounds daily, but they are inefficient to a polluting fault; they only digest approximately 60% of what they consume (wikipedia). At least we use the tree products we pluck from the earth - we build houses, make paper, and hew baseball bats, all considerably more proactive than spending 16 hours a day eating and destroying nature, like our big eared pachiderm counterparts.
And blue whales! Don't get me started about those lumbering kelp guzzlers. They decimate the krill population, nearly 8000 pounds per day, and the only thing people mention is how we shouldn't light our lamps with blubber oil. Pshaw. Besides, evolutionarily speaking, they (and the bloody elephants), should be extinct by now, all the other largest creatures have been wiped from this earth due to their inefficient mass: wooly mammoths, dinosaurs, saber tooth cats, giant kangaroos, Paul Bunyan and Babe, etc.
Gotta run to a meeting, so here is my brief proposal: round up all the elephants and feed them to the blue whales. Win-win. One